Friendships and Fellowship

This week I have thought alot about those two things I have met some great "family" since I have lived in Paragould. I call them family b/c they have been there for me whenever I have needed them. My dear friends good friend passed away this week and it made me realize how precious time is...God doesn't promise us tomorrow. We tend to get busy in our own lives and forget to make time for friends and fellowship. Sure we chat here and there but we dont stop and enjoy each other the way I believe God intended. I think He wants us to laugh and love and live lives with people...true relationships. The more we perfect our relationships with our husbands, family and friends...I think the better and more understanding we are in our relationship with our Heavenly Father. I am so glad I got to sit down and laugh and spend time with my "family" last night. G and Q and Kev and Kim are very important to my family. I know with Q and Kev heading out (Afghanistan) those moments are precious and I appreciate them sharing their time with me and my family. I admire them all for the sacrifices they have made and are continuing to make for us. Their families are amazingly strong and I hope I can help lift them up while their husbands are gone. I hope I can keep spending time with friends and building these relationships. I do love all my friends that are like family and have found that I do truly need them in my life.  Happy Birthday Jarred! Kim I hope you are making it through this day! :)

Happy Birthday Just and Jere!

Ok so I am a day late...on blogging but considering the week I have had that's pretty good. My twins are now 15!!! I cannot believe it. We had See You At The Pole yesterday and Saw You At The Pole last night so they didn't really get to enjoy their day the way most birthdays are celebrated. They did have fun and get to hang out with close friends and have pizza and cookie cake and cupcakes. (Yea both) Every year one of them makes a compromise...(Just) but this year I got him his cookie cake and he as happy. This week our grandbaby Kaylin is here and I have been exhausted I even forgot to take them lunch so Rick and I decided when we go to Memphis Friday we will just let the boys miss school and go eat in Memphis. When they got this news they were totally fine with me not bringing them lunch. Imagine that huh? I just want to say after having an 8 1/2 month old baby for the past few days I am completely ok with them growing up lol.

9-7-03

6 years ago today marks the biggest turning point in my life. I know exactly where I was and remember exactly what I was thinking which is odd b/c the next 3 months maybe even next year was a complete blur. I sat in Cleveland Clinic in the step down unit with Amelia questioning everything fearing the worst about my Princess. My fear? That she had completely given up and was tired of fighting it was in her face...in her eyes it was like I could see her soul. Her Rick (Daddy) and Papa had left and she was tired in every sense of the word. She didn't want to be Snow White she didn't want to spend the night at Nana and Papa's she just wanted to be left alone. IT was the first time in her life I had ever seen her defeated. I was crushed she was who I stayed strong for she was my trooper and my trooper was giving up. Everyone knew something bad was going on but noone knew what that was or how to fix it. The nurses that were ending there 72 hr rotation were saying see you Wednesday...which was impossible b/c we was supposed to go home Monday..they knew. I knew. Amelia even knew. The docs made rounds 9-8...and all agreed she was not doing well...and decided to do a minor surgery to "evacuate a clot" so simple but I knew it wasn't that simple deep down it seemed major. When they came to get her and I got to carry her into the OR I didn't want to let go she even hugged me a lil tighter it was the last time my Princess would tell me she loved me it was the last time I would know she heard and understood me. I dont recall if I sang it or if it was in the background but "You are my Sunshine" is what I hear when I see this visual image..It was the song I sang to her when i held her "Please don't take my Sunshine AWAY" was my prayer my cry out to the Lord. I am certain God gave me peace when everything was frantic I am certain He gave me rest because when Jennifer (our fave nurse) came in the room I was resting. The words coming from her mouth haunt me "She coded and we are doing everything we can to get her back...I can't stay I gotta go help with her" I truly believe Jennifer needed to be in there and I needed her to be in there...I looked around in a haze...everyone on the floor was frantic everything seemed to be in slow motion but you could tell something was going on. The people next door were getting ready to go home and they said Dr Mee's nurses are running around everywhere literally running. I didn't know they was running for Amelia they were trying to save her life. I was sitting there trying to figure out what I was supposed to do who I was supposed to call trying to stay calm but there was no way. For the first time since 7-1-97 I did not want to be Amelia's Mom b/c it was unbearable I did not want to be in my skin...I honestly wanted it to be me having my heart put on bypass because it was truly breaking. I wanted to scream I had noone there yet noone to hug me. I didn't want Rick to know how bad it was because he wasn't there yet he was stuck in Detroit. His flight was delayed all I could do was call people and give them news and I don't even remember who I called or what I said . I was fortunate to have been to Cleveland enough to know the staff there and they was very helpful. It didn't matter there was nothing anyone could say or do to calm me. I was in limbo. I couldn't breath I have never felt so out of control. I think back to that time and realize how different I am now and how much that changed me. My walk with Christ is different.  I pray different. I love different. I cry different. I even laugh different. It changed every part of me...I grew and the growing pains hurt. Right now 6 years later I'm better, stronger, and know more about love God's love then I have ever known. I gauge all pain against that pain and none compares thats what makes me stronger. There's a scar on my heart that willl always be and I keep as a reminder of  how precious time and love is and how big God is.

Back 2 School 09

Wow where has the time gone? My twins are entering into "the years the count" ! Thats how they refer to it.. So what have I been worried about the past 10 years lol? My precious daughter is starting her 1st year as a real Lady Eagle (7th grade sports)and my baby boy starts his last year at the Primary. It's so bittersweet. I can't help but wonder where Amelia would fit in all this if she where here (pre final repair surgery) I do know God had bigger and better things for her. I also know he has great things for the 4 He has let me keep. Its an emotional day and I'm sure it always will be. But, I wont cry I will just be thankful for what I do have! I am so blessed to have kids that keep me laughing. If that picture could talk you would be laughing too! Have a blessed day..kiss your kids and tell them that you love them even if they think you're dumb! :D

Again I'm glad these pics can't talk!

Our tradition a pic of him standing by his name...I wonder how much longer he will let me do that?

Another year closer...

Well summer is quickly coming to an end. My twins are another year closer to graduating from high school. They will be 15 in Sept and I just shutter everytime I think of that. Adrienne will be 14 and I look at their lives and realize they are at a point where I can't make all the decisions for them. I have to give them to God and pray that over the past 15 years I've instilled something good in them. I see my daughter already struggling with choices which path to go down. I see my sons trying to figure out who they are and what that means their battles with God and how much they are willing to relinquish to Him. I watch them and just wanna run up to them and turn them in the right direction but know I can't. When I was their age I had already messed up so much more. I guess in a sense that's a victory I have to take these small wins and cherish them. I know God has their hand on them. I just have to rest in that knowing He is in control.

On a happier (however you wanna look at it) my baby will be 7 Friday. He's growing up so fast going into 2nd grade. He is such an amazing kid just full of energy and totally fearless. I look at him and cant help but think Thank you God for knowing what I needed because at the time I really didn't think I "needed" another baby. I know that sounds harsh so don't get me wrong I love my kids with everything in me. I hope tomorrow is a special day and this year brings lots of great things for him. I'm guessing since he hasn't lost many teeth it will be a year for lots of tooth fairy visits LOL

I know I haven't blogged much this summer but it's been super busy and I will blog with pics as soon as I get a chance.

The Mother's Day card I didn't get!

I got to typing and thinking about life and how truly blessed I am to have awesome children who honestly try to make my day special. I have 3 teenagers so its very easy for them to get "sidetracked" but they don't on this day. But, I also can't help but remember there is 1 hug, card, kiss, I love you, that I'm not getting. I think sometimes when does this heartbreak stop and I'm constantly reminded it doesn't b/c a piece of my heart is gone..it's in Heaven. There is joy and peace in knowing I will be reunited with her again. I know it will be a joyous day. But for now I will cry when I think of her and long for that day when I can hold her. I will remember her every Mother's Day, Christmas, July 1st, May 29th and Halloween and pretty much every other day in between. I will continue on some days as if nothing is wrong and those are the days when God has granted me that peace that only He can give. I know He is with me b/c those days....aren't everyday and He always assures me that she is perfect now which was her wish all along. I heard this song once that had nothing to do with what I took from it but it was called "If I Could Do It Again I Would Do It The Same" I have to admit for 1 more day with her I would go through it all again. As I looked through my 4 homemade cards from Bren I wondered what I would give to have a homemade card from Amelia. Ya know the ones on notebook paper with the funny lil drawings of "Momma" and you have to laugh about b/c you hope that's not what they see when they look at you. I treasure those cards more now than ever those are the ones that matter. As Darius Rucker put it..."It Won't Be Like This For Long"...sometimes it's shorter than we think. We don't get to choose when our kids grow up and we don't get to choose when they go Home but we do get to choose how much love we can show them. I had 7 years with Amelia and they were honestly the most trying years of my life but they were also the most rewarding. If God gave me the oppurtunity to do it again...I would b/c being her "Mommy" was worth every ounce of pain. I don't know what I did to get a child like her but I thank God He decided to bless me! I miss her dearly and I can't wait to get to that "Big House"



To my sweet Amelia:
You are a true "for real" princess now sweet angel and I will see you soon. Thank you for letting me be your mommy it was an honor.

Ok so it's been a while...

I know I never got around to the Chicago trip blog and now I'm slacking on just the "normal" stuff and those who know me...know "normal" has been redefined. "Normal" is running around everyday of the week with my kids. Well these last few weeks since I've been home...(month even) has been no different. I came home to Spring Break for the kids. My twins welcomed me with the flu...sick in bed almost ALL WEEK. They were mad I guess when you get a week long illness you are supposed to get to miss school not miss your week off school. We were still in the middle of boys club basketball which by that point...I was over! Bren however was not...he loved it. We also kicked off softball and baseball and of course soccer. Bren was involved in 3 sports and it was chaotic. Saturday is his last soccer game and all the bruises from boy's club basketball are healed. Justin and Jeremy are fine. Jere is finishing up AP stuff and getting ready for end of the year trips and exams. Justin is enjoying a leadership cell group and really growing in Christ. Adrienne tried out and made the volleyball team...which I'm still not sure how I feel about that. She is in the process of trying out for basketball. She is also playing softball. She is a center fielder and she loves that position. Bren is playing baseball and has found a new love for it. He is still going to be a baseball player when he grows up...as well as an artist, firefighter and a police officer...by that time he will be used to be so busy and may be able to pull it off! I got to celebrate a friend of mine's birthday and hang out with her and some of the youth from our church it was amazing and I got to eat at Fuji's which was a very fun experience. We have been having so much at our Lifechange on Wednesdays it just keeps getting better and better every week. I've barely had time to look up much less sit down and blog...I'll leave you with some pics...and will blog soon about my husbands new shift...he will be home with us from now on at nights and not miss all the games and fun and I might get to cook dinner more. I'm not sure how I will do or how easy it will be but I know God is in Control so it will be just fine. Well we had a Passover Dinner at our church and after we and by we I mean my whole family and 3 extra kids/teens Micah, Andrew and Jarred went to a friends house and dyed eggs and they decided to smile for a photo op. Well I just thought this was too cute to not take! They dressed alike and on accident of courseThis is Bren and his friend Tucker...they played against each other and I can't wait for them to be on the same team.
Ok I saved the best for last...this was Bren's first attempt at a practical joke. Notice the Crunch Berries...and then Notice what's in the bowl (Frosted Flakes). Bren switched the bags and Justin was the victim. He was not all that happy about his lil brothers attempt at humor! Thank you Disney Channel for giving him that idea...I got a good laugh out of it of course...I always look into the box before I pour my cereal...and I dont know why I do that.